No pictures today. Just thoughts. And I probably will not even post this.

I’ve been praying for about 2 years for a Purpose, a Passion. You know, one of those big, burning desires straight from God because That’s What You Were Created For. I think I was hoping that knowing that would make me love Him more, or at least rely on Him more or something. Make me feel less like I was just coasting along spiritually and vocationally.

Full disclosure: I quit praying in earnest for that sometime last Fall. But about that time was when God told me to “Be Bold” and “Be Uncomfortable.” I can’t remember any writing on the wall or big moments, but it was just something I knew that He was asking of me.

So I tried it. Not nearly as much or as wholeheartedly as I should, but I’ve tried. I auditioned for the church praise team–purely for the sake of auditioning. I sat down with the worship pastor and talked about to him about it so I wouldn’t waste his time (also scary). HE put me on the rotation. Which terrified me every single time.

When I wasn’t doing that on Sunday morning, I starting singing with the band at our Video Venue service, and continued to be an actor for our monthly Children’s Ministry production (which I have been doing for years).

Meanwhile, I was still trying to make a point to step out of my comfortable spot in the shadows, even if it was as simple as walking in to a coffee shop where I knew I’d see people I should stop and chat with. (Silly, but it makes me nervous.)

Along the way, I’ve realized a few things.

–I love performing. When I can get out of my own head, I really love it. I’m not 100% sure where I was when I realized it, I think I may have been sitting backstage at one of the monthly Kid’s Thang productions. I was bummed about not being able to sing that morning just so I could be my character for the opening and closing songs. But I clearly remember thinking “Hey, I really love doing this. I love performing.” Long rambling story without a big pay off, I know, but it’s my blog.

–I’ve made a home for myself in the shadows. I hide. Which seems silly, because I like being in charge of things, people see me doing things all the time… But I have made myself most comfortable in the shadows. Letting people see me, drawing attention to myself scares me.

-I’m pretty sure I had something else I was going to put here, but I’ve lost that train somewhere.

Through some interesting orchestration, God put me on this path. It was a very clear “Do this!” So, I’m training with Actors, Models and Talent for Christ to do their Winter 2014 Showcase. I’m excited (kinda) for the stretching, but still a bit anxious about the follow-through on my end. God has been incredibly faithful, as always, providing the money I’ve needed to do this (also in interesting ways), while I spent most of my summer dreading it.

I’m doing this AMTC thing. Not wholeheartedly yet, but I’m much closer to being all in than I was a few weeks ago. It’s been scary (now that I’ve had to start doing things and being prepared for stuff) but also fun.

This has also been a recurring year of studying Gideon (thank you, Priscilla Shirer), whom I identify tremendously with on the whole bundle of insecurities and trying to not be seen idea, but again, God’s working on that, too.

So I haven’t got a Purpose or Passion yet, but I got a direction. (Also sure I had a more eloquent way to end that statement when I first started writing this.) Will this change my career? Who knows. But tomorrow I get to be a part of a photo shoot with professional photographers and stylists in New York and at the same time work on being comfortable being in front of the camera. (The last part’s not as exciting, but the first part is awesome.)

Aaaaand I’m posting it. Because the very idea of clicking the “publish” button and letting all of this out there makes me nervous.

Please excuse any errors–grammatical or otherwise. I haven’t actually read back over this, because then I’d definitely not go live with it. I’ll come back later and edit this. Or delete it.